My Life Of MAYhem

TheAbandoned

I don't really feel as decent as I'm trying to sound in that IM. I'm trying, but...

I did get things straightened out from the last post here, but things just don't seem to ever get better. I may have figured out one person COULD prove me wrong, as I wanted. I begged for that, and I was happy! But the other... Well, I didn't have the best friend I thought I had. I had nothing. And it was expected. It happened before, and there it went and happened again. Abandoned, left behind, replaced, forgotten. Of course, it was laid on my doorstep...because she wouldn't reply to everything I wrote...but then it was easier that way. Why fight for something that doesn't exist? She went from telling me not to leave her (which was lip service, btw) to just shrugging and letting it all go. Because she didn't give a fuck.

Well, when you've already moved on, and replaced that person you called 'sister'... Yeah.

So I made a simple demand, got it, and knew there was no reason for complain with it. I wanted limited contact, for one small reason and nothing else. Well, I got that... Why wouldn't I? We don't speak as it is! To me, the whole thing's a relief, because there's no way in hell it would ever get better. And I lost all desire to put effort into it when I knew she no longer cared. She took what we had and tossed it aside...and replaced it with something second-rate. Something not as good. If that's all she wants, fine. You can get that anywhere.

But now...as hard as I've tried, saying I won't let it kill my roleplay or my 'spirit'... It has. SHE has. What the hell do I do now? I tried putting something together for my main character, but my mistake was doing this with someone already in high demand. And it's not fair to her. So now I'm trying my best to cut that off, and she's not wanting to listen to me. Wish I could let her talk me out of this, but I keep thinking it would be better to just realise my former best friend had the right idea.

Beth's time has come and gone. Get the fuck out now. I've done all I can with the play and my writing, and it's time to realise I don't have a place in the RP world anymore. There's no way I'll put myself in the open chat rooms and see if something will pick up there. Last couple times I did that, total hell resulted. I lost even more trust in people, in general. And having been ditched by this one twice now...well, I think there's a point to it.

And if I keep trying to push it, I'll just make things worse. You can only do so much before you're really in trouble and you do nothing but prove to everyone what a loser you are and how lame you are. It's like when your parents try to be cool. You shake your head and grumble something to God about striking you with lightning where you stand and granting you a quick death. So I think it's time for me to back off...and disappear. It feels like carving my heart out, cutting off an arm, because this has been so damn important to me for so long, but I don't think I have any choice anymore.

Honest to God... It's way worse than all this. I don't wanna give up my RP...but I don't wanna see it. I don't wanna have that reminder in my face. "Here, Beth. This is all you are now. Everyone else can move on and be something better, with people WANTING them, but not you. Just...go away." I've got nothing left of what I used to be when I started. Three years ago, I had no fewer than four people wanting a storyline with me...privately. And only one got it. And the others got snotty when they didn't. One was even that bad out of character...as if I did something personally instead of my character telling off the wench. Who deserved it. Now...I have one person, and she's barely making ends meet with the people pulling at her for her time. I don't wanna be part of that anymore, doing that to her anymore.

I just wanna...give up. I wanna give up on everything. Quit everything I've worked on, whatever I do online anywhere, and just disappear. I wanna... Well, I wanna disappear in more ways than that, but who ever gets what they want?

SHE replaced me. SHE walked away and found a new group of shallow people who won't care any more than the last group she replaced me with. SHE was the one who came out with her head high and her ass in one piece.

I've just added to my list of reasons why I don't fucking care about my life anymore.

Believe it or not...I was happier mourning my shattered image of Brian May. I cried less.

On My Knees

Bad news...more bad news...worse news...good news...more bad news...news that means nothing either way...

This is all there's been all this time, and I don't even feel like writing this bullshit, but seeing as I have nothing else to do, I might as well at least get something off my chest. I've said nothing to anyone, but I'm sick of sitting on my ass, staring at this screen while everyone fucks me over.

I know I'm getting fucked from two different directions right now, and it's pissing me off to no end. There's practically nothing I can do, although I hold some control on one half... The rest is nothing more than me staring down the fact I have to admit I was right when I said my RP time was up. It all came to an end when I was left behind a second time, and I didn't want to face it. So I put it on the line and tried to save something of it. And now... I sit here and realise everyone can have a good laugh at my expence because now that's... Well, I dunno what the fuck it is now. What or where. Because I've been... I dunno. Left behind again? Forgotten? Am I truly missing something? What the hell happened? And I won't even ask questions because I don't feel I should have to. I had to wait for weeks to get this much, waiting while others got day after day... And granted, I got day after day...I took it. I felt I deserved it for the waiting I did. Then came the every other day idea. Which worked for me... Until it wasn't happening anymore, and then I got ditched in the middle of a play because someone who had left came back hours later. Tough shit! You left! You lose out! It's happened to me before. I've been fucked over because I left for whatever reason...and then lost out on what I'd been doing before. You don't get it back! You wait, because you gave it away.

But I played the understanding one because I had no choice. "I'll make it up to you"... Is this why I don't see her anymore? Why I get an email that says she fell asleep and got up and online RIGHT after I'd signed off...so anyone else could play but me? You know... I said it'd be pointless after my girls went back to school because I couldn't stay up late. "We'll have to come up with something for days, then"... And lo, I've been online any given time during the day and never see her.

Am I fucking paranoid?

Shouldn't I be after everything else that's happened in the past?

Maybe I shouldn't apply what's happened with one person to someone else, but damnit, I'm sorry. My brain doesn't work that way, and I go through every day wondering which friend I'll lose next. I don't have many to spare and it terrifies me. I get told the bullshit I've been through was completely ridiculous, but then... Where is all this going? Maybe I pushed things by bringing up the idea of the fact we'd never had a SL before. Now...all I feel is that I've been put in my place, because I pushed too hard and ruined it. And with two characters sitting on the side, never to be used, to be ignored and forgotten because the open rooms suck so bad...what's left? All I can do now is waste time on Facebook, bored out of my skull, and read my old roleplay logs...wishing for the way things used to be.

I think I just place myself in others' hands too easily...and end up kicked in the ass for it. I go asking for it. I went looking for a model for another character today...and then asked myself why. It isn't as if that one will be played either. It'll sit, ignored. I have no need of this. All I wanted was to have something going, to save something of what I've been doing for years...and with someone who's not only a damn good player, but an old friend of mine. Someone I could trust to respect my character and how he's played, what I do with him.

What's worse...? This or the empty feeling I have for everything else? The fact that I have others slipping away and I can't put effort into trying to hold on? That I just shrug and go on with my day because there's nothing else to do? I don't try. I keep my speech short, I don't say too much when I can help it, and I sure as hell will NOT give away all that's happening here...or with me. Some people don't need to know that much. I'm a fucking mental train wreck, but I'm still alive. And it's my business. The extent is my business. The reasons why...

What's worse...? All this, or the fact that I'm breaking down. I think of HIM too much. Won't look at photos yet. But I read the old RP, and I can handle it. I could play him again. I want to. I could deal with a SL for him. I...could do far more. But why admit that, when I know my heart would be broken again. Barely healed and broken all over again. For someone not worth it. Who never was, never will be. But with the right look...

I'd completely give over again.

And I think ALL of this makes me one hell of a small person. Small, weak, stupid, and paranoid. I'm scared of everything. I'm scared to move, to speak, to try and understand what's happening. I won't ask questions, I won't say anything. I'll wait. Because... I know this feeling. I've been here before...and I know exactly what loss like this feels like. And... I'm scared of it. I wanna be wrong! For the love of GOD...I wanna be wrong.

I wanna have her tell me I've never been more wrong about someone.

Never

He's taking pictures of the sky from the roof of his house at 3am. His posts to the Soapbox have been bitchy-like. And she's deleting friend off facebook who are his fans.

Sounds like trouble in paradise to me. Maybe even a possible breakup?

Actually, her deleting sounds childish, like a teenage girl's tiff after some dumbass spat with her boyfriend.

Which is why I don't feel bad for him, and I have no hope at all that he might get his shit together. I believe completely that this is only temporary...if he doesn't get back with her, it'll be someone else. Of course, this situation will make working together difficult for them (I guess there won't be those lovely bathroom quickies in between takes anymore), but I'm sure they can manage. After all, their both professionals. HA!

If they were, this wouldn't be going on.

Point is, I hate how I feel about this. It only makes me realise I still need that good cry I haven't allowed myself to have. I have this sick feeling inside, like a woman does when she finds her cheating husband's girlfriend has dumped him. "Maybe he'll come back to me"... No. No, it never works that way. It's always someone else. Cut your losses and walk away while you still can. While you still have something of your pride, dignity, strength, and heart. Don't let it all be smashed completely...forever. The sooner you face the truth, the better off you are.

I would love to see him get his shit in line and act like he should. I would love to actually think I could admire him again one day. But...I still can't look at his photos. I can't see his face without wanting to fall apart and demand to know why. Why him of all people?! Of all the men on Earth...why this one? Why did HE have to be this way? Why not someone else? Why did it have to be the one I fell for?!?!

Why did I have to be so weak and fall in the first place? I can't stand the feeling, thinking that something's wrong with me. I wish I could smack him. Slap him one good and let him know what we all think of this. Tell him that his fans think pretty lowly of him, that the women who admired the man he seemed to be now think he's a rat. He is.

And yet I know I'm still in love. And I HATE that. I almost hate myself for it. The only reason why I don't is because I know none of this is my fault, and because I know my feelings are purely normal. I'll live through it. It's still new, even after a few months, but hell... Emotion like this takes time to die. It would be like my husband leaving me. I'd be crushed...probably forever. That's what else makes me feel better. I can get over this. I'd never get over my husband. Big difference. My husband is worth the tears, because he's a good man. Well, not if he walks out, but you get the idea. Brian's just...well, a rat. He's nothing.

Just everything we thought he wasn't.

GOD, I wanna get on with my life! I wanna focus on something else! I wanna be healed and forget all this! I don't WANT to care anymore... And here, I still do. I care, and I feel. I still love. I love someone who loves no one but himself. He uses. And...it's sad. Maybe it's all part of a mental thing, part of the depression and all... I know all about that. But really. Get some fuckin' help already. A grown man can figure that one out. You don't revel in it! You fix it!

They're apart, and I probably feel lonelier than either of them.

God, Brian, but you are a bastard. Heartless and unstoppable. But you've got it down perfectly!

Because I still can't forget, and I still feel. And I hate it.

Alone In The Dark

I've dreaded today for...weeks. Since July began. I haven't wanted to think about, but think I did. I thought too much, and once I looked at my cell phone last night while I was out, and it read July 19, after midnight...everything hit me.

I went out last night for karaoke at a little place I like. Haven't been there in a few weeks because I've been up at Emerald City with a new friend, Dusty (he's such a sweetie!). The DJ's a nice guy, and I've spent a lot of time chatting with him. Bless his heart last night, he let me sit with him the whole time, and that kept me away from the other people...and my mind off today. It didn't stop me from singing a couple of songs about how I feel. How down I am, how empty I feel, and how angry I am over all this bullshit that's tried my heart so badly.

I turned Brian's own music on him.

Yes...Too Much Love Will Kill You. It's always been the story of my life, but never moreso than now. Even when I lost those relationships with the idiot girls I fell for... Those didn't hurt as much as this has all this time.

I wrote nothing for his birthday, would never attempt an email through his site or through the fan club site. I refuse to play him in roleplay now, I hate talking about him, and I don't want to think about him. He's just not worth my time. Yeah, well... I sat with my mom the other day and watched Wembley...and I did well!! I watched the whole and kept my eyes firmly on Freddie. Yes, they strayed now and then, but it had no effect on me. When Freddie talked to the crowd about the rumor of Queen breaking up, and Brian grinned, I felt nothing, seeing that smile. Nothing. As if I were cured. I just sat back and enjoyed watching Freddie take over the stage. To be corny, given the tour's name..it was magic.

But the jokes Mom and I made later on turned it all around for me, and I wanted to cry again. I didn't, but I wanted to. That came later, only a couple of days ago. I've been dying to set this girl straight... See, there's a girl I kinda know on Facebook who's a giant Brian May fangirl. Almost worse than I was. It's sick, seeing her talk the way she does over this man, knowing what I know. And I wonder how bad it'll be for her once she knows what Cindy and I know. But she keeps posting photos of Brian, and called this one album 'My Baby Brian'... Right. Everyone joked about him being called a baby, given he's now 62, but she insisted he's HER man and no one else's. NO ONE'S. Well, someone asked 'What about Anita?'...and nothing was said. So I had to really create waves. I asked 'Anita? What about Kerry?'...to which she replied 'Anita & Kerry? I DON'T THINK SO!'...

Is she this naive to believe all she'd have to do is run faster than his hobgoblin wife? Poor thing. She might manage that, but it's getting past Blondy she can't do. No one can...cos he won't allow it. I can't stand it. Makes me sick, thinking this is how things are now, and this girl really thinks she'd have a chance. I DID, TOO!!! Never once thought, for real, he'd look past me, thinking I was insincere. I'd always meant everything I said and felt. Everything. Too bad he lies so much, that everything he ever wrote about relationships was lies, that he was never just emo about it with all the break-up songs. No... That's how it works when you hop from one bed to another. It's not about losing out on love, it's just.. Bye bye. You walk away and find someone else willing--or gullible--enough to share your time for a while.

Despite my joking answer to her upset words, I truly wanted to ask her if she really thought that claim of 'old friends' was genuine. If she's dumb enough to believe that, then I've got some really nice land down here I can sell her for about $20 an acre...right in the keys. I feel bad, cos she's gonna end up hurt. Bad. And maybe my want to kick her into reality will hasten that pain, better she get it done and over with now. End it now and be done with it. Let your heart begin its healing...and pray you do a better job than I'm doing.

Because of my messages back and forth with Cindy on Facebook about this girl...I ended up crying. Sat here in the middle of the open living area, with everyone going on with the day around me, and cried. Not a lot, because I wouldn't allow it, but I did. I finally shed real tears over this heartache. Yes, it helped, but I know there's a lot left to get out of my system. Whether or not I have the guts to allow that, I don't know. I hope so. It may be the healing I need, the one thing I need that I'm denying myself.

LOVE

But...while this man has his day, and I do everything I can to get by...I get this lovely message from an older post I made here. A friend, evilsquirrel01, has given me the Spread The Love Award. I always love reading her blog, and I love hearing from her. The comments and messages I get from her are some of the best I've ever gotten, and getting THIS means so much to me. I could say I wish I'd checked in to my blog sooner, but I think it was meant to be seen today. Hun, you brightened my day big time, and gave me the first true smile I've had all day. THAT is spreading the love. And it means everything to me now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Happiness

I've done rather well for the last week. Yes, reading the roleplay logs has really hurt, in some ways. I've tried not to let it, and for the most part, I think I've done decently. I know it's not been a perfect effort, but I've been able to focus on other things. That's something of an accomplishment for me.

Today...was my wedding anniversary, and Kev and I celebrated 12 years. We've known each other 15, been a couple for 15 years, but 12 years married...and 2 beautiful girls... We helped the church group today, feeding the homeless, and then headed for the movies to see the new Transformers movie. Which ROCKED. I loved it.

And I came home to an email from the girl who runs the message maps for Brian May's birthdays and Christmas. WELL! I forwarded it on to my mom, who wrote something for him last year, but she said she wasn't writing this time. I myself won't write anything. I don't dare because I'm more than a little afraid of what I might say. Yes, cos it would be rude.

"So...who's blowing out your candle this year? The wife or the girlfriend? Or do we dare to think you may attempt both?!"

He might, God only knows.

But I'm not about to run risks saying shit like that now. I'd have run risks for his sake before, or for damn near anything with him attached to the idea, in the past... Now? Please don't attach my name. I won't have anything to do with it. I was talking with a friend and she said it had to be hard to find your hero was nothing you believed he was. Well, add to your admiration a good dose of being in love...and that person becomes nothing of what you believed in. After finding out about how Brian really is, I pulled back completely. A few friends of mine held on, hoping for proof against all this, and that meant a bigger hurt when more information came, confirming what was going on. What IS going on. I jumped ship from the beginning. The moment I was aware this Kerry Ellis bullshit was real, I let go of my fangirl title. Now I'm just hurt, pissed, and disillusioned. I admired the man for nothing.

Makes me wonder what in hell Freddie thinks. Or...was this always the case? At least enough that the Anita Incident was a beginning to the man he is now? It wasn't that his marriage to Chrissie was failing and he didn't know what to do to cope, or that the rift couldn't be fixed, or that he simply got caught up because he worked with Anita...

He worked with Anita...

And she was shocked the first time he cheated on her?!?!?!?!

Hey, darlin'... Once a cheater, always a cheater. And you think he's gonna change his methods? He fucked you behind Chrissie's back, while producing your album. And what's he doing now with Kerry while producing her...third album??

Lemme think.

I was doing great until I saw that email.

Why the FUCK should I waste my time on a birthday greeting for this bastard when he doesn't give a frog's fat ass about what anyone else thinks or feels? Why wish him anything? I wish him brains. Yes, brains. And maybe a zipper that won't open once it's been closed. Might make him think a little. MAYBE. To be honest, I wouldn't care. I'd be more than happy to be the one laughing while he struggles. Just point and laugh while he gets pissed and cusses himself blue.

I won't be helping you, Dr May. I made it that way. Deal with it, Romeo.

Twelve years. Twelve hard-won years of marriage, never easy, always a battle, and hardly a fairy tale. BUT, I wouldn't trade a one of them. Kevin is all Brian could never be. I can be proud, pleased, and happy, the wife with her chin raised, glad to be seen on her husband's arm.

Take that and fucking choke on it, Dr May. You could never manage that.

Over the last few weeks, I've spent a lot of time collecting up anime pictures... Just random things, mostly emo or goth based, dark or emotional stuff. I've gathered up a lot of wallpapers for my desktop, including one of HYDE, one of Gackt, and a few of Freddie Mercury. Thankfully, I came across nothing of Brian alone. But...I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking...and realising something about my state of mind.

I'm weakening.

I've been reading a lot of the old roleplay bits I have saved, and one of the best storylines ever is the Queen one Amber and I have been working on for the last few years. It's slow-going, since real life likes to step all over us, but it's an amazing piece of work. We've managed to twist fact with fiction so neatly, so seamlessly that it's near perfect. You'd damn near think even the fictional characters are real, and always were. That Roger and Lily have always been together, that Brian and Miyoko have always been so tied together by fate and love that nothing can break them...

If only Brian really was as I've portrayed him all this time...

Anyway, I've been reading about Miyo's return to London, after her family stole her back to Tokyo (cos they hated Brian only cos he wasn't Japanese), and it's a big thread...it's HUGE. It's like...six emails, I saved. There are two sex scenes in there with Brian and Miyo, and they're beautifully done...sexy and raw, realistic and nothing like a romance novel. They're like real life. Taking the chance of getting caught, with nothing but trouble if it happened...but caring too much about each other to really give a damn.

I thought I was doing really well by reading those, and part of me still thinks so. I guess the real test would be trying to play him again. But I've started...thinking about it in my head at other times. It's annoying, to be like this, to want him GONE from my every thought, and to realise I can't ever have that. He's forever there because of Queen, because of my roleplay...which I refuse to give up. I didn't start it to have it torn up because he's a prick. I started playing him as a character a few years ago...put everything I could into making him as real as possible, had to get it right. I wanted him to be as realistic as possible. Roger and Freddie are both...cartoonish, sort of. Real, but exaggerated. John's so quiet you can't tell. But Brian had to be done to real life. That was the way I chose to do each memeber of the band. And now, I find out I made Brian a better man than he is.

Go me.

But here I sit, with this in my head, and now I start fantasizing like I used to. Oh God, I feel so weak because of it. I've started wondering if I'm about to just throw all I know aside and say "Fuck it, he's hot, so it's cool"... It's NOT cool. I've looked to him as a person for far too long. It's not like the girls who like the boys who are popular now, where all they care about is their smile and whatever they wear. "He's so hot... Lookit him in that outfit! OMG, he's so CUTE!!!"

Gag me.

Wait until those boys start talking about old friends.

I see HYDE like that. He's hot, he looks amazing, he's got an incredible voice, and he's a decent actor. Okay, fine. I know his birthday, and I know he's from somewhere in Osaka. But that's about it. Married, father of a little boy, and (last I knew) about to be divorced. Huzzah. But that's all. I don't know every little thing, don't intend to read up and learn it...like I did with Brian. I learned everything I could on every member of Queen, but I doubled it for Brian. I won't do that for HYDE. I think he's hot, I'd lay him in a heartbeat, I'd be happier than shit to be liked by him... But really, it won't happen, and that doesn't break my heart or ruin my day or the way I look at myself. I don't feel let down because of it.

Losing out on the chance at sharing the stage with Brian sucks ass. Losing out on meeting him and being lucky enough to touch his hand hurts. Losing out on having that smile turned on me blows big time. Losing out on hearing his voice speak my name, for whatever reason, kills.

Losing out on ever having the chance to say what I felt (feel)...makes me feel empty and dead.

Losing my vision of him and seeing who he really is makes me feel stupid and blind.

Love is blind.

Oh God... I never realised how true that could be. Never thought of it as applying to me until right now. But it's true. Love is blind, and I was so blinded I missed everything that was right in front of me. I read the depression in his eyes in pictures, read that stoney false smile in the photos of him with his wife... And never once saw the deception in his face, so plainly put there, uncovered and naked to be read. This Gentleman of Rock is no gentleman at all. Ask his personal assistants, his webmistress, his wife, his 'old friends'... All those sweet young things he works with. Take a look at the tour info and such in the DVDs and all... Look at Return Of The Champions... His personal assistant is ALWAYS a woman.

I've been drowning in an old love of anime to get away from this...while reading and re-reading. I've been falling further and further into an emo way of looking at things...while thinking about him...and letting those thoughts go to places where they shouldn't anymore. And I damn myself for it. I allow it, and look for it. I WANT it. Just the same way I'd melt for him still given half the chance. All he'd have to do is smile the right way...and I would.

He could cut out my heart and leave me in the rain...but I'd still let him softly abuse me first.

Weak...and I'm the one almost in tears because of it. I'd allow it! ALLOW IT! Why?!?!

Love is blind.

HuhWTF

Just like Kerry Ellis! No, wait...

Okay, so I wrote that bit about wanting a girlfriend, and then ran smack into one of the prettiest girls I've seen since moving here. UGH! Why me, God?! Does the world always have to pick on me? Why?!?! I didn't ask for this! I said I wasn't gonna do anything about that want, that I'd let it go and ignore it as I have for months. I'm behaving! So what happens? She starts talking to me, makes me blush like hell, and then asks for my number.

Now, we've become something of friends, for the short time she'll be in the U.S. (she's from the Ukraine). I've suggested getting out and about a few times together, since we both know few people here. Just for something to do. And she said she'd like to work on her English. I guess I'm the person she chose for that. She's actually very good with her English. I couldn't place her accent right away, but it sounded familiar, and I kinda kicked myself when she told me where she was from. She's a real sweetheart. Very sweet, funny, nice to talk to. Someone you'd like to be friends with, you know?

But damn, if I didn't develop a crush on her FAST! Kinda made me feel small. I can do better than to behave like that. Which I think I did okay. I forced myself to be honest and tell her I'm married and I have kids. She's 10 years younger than me, for God's sake! Not that you'd know it... She thought I was 20, too!! HA! That felt good. In the end, I talked with her for a LONG time...and walked away grinning like a total moron.

u.u;;  It figures.

Anyway... Then I get the chance to check my email, and get this LOVELY tidbit on The Guv'nor. About Miss Ellis making sure her cell phone was found in her dressing room while she was onstage... And who do you think had just been texting her naughty messages?!?! Oh yes, the man himself!! Now, I got the word 'supposedly' in the note, so there's a chance this isn't totally true. But, c'mon. I think it is. He doesn't care if he's caught, and she's wanting the world to know who she's blowing!! "Look who I'm fucking... The man with the guitar and the curls. And does his wife know? Oh, yes! Can she stop me? Nope!"

I hope he's wrappin' it. He's gonna end up scratchin' sooner or later. Girls like that... You catch weird things from them. Explain THAT to the 'lovely lady wife', Dr May!!

::sigh::  Wouldn't be a big deal... Just fuel for the fire of my near-hatred for him. Except... I can't get him out of my head, and I'm dangerously close to saying 'Screw it... What's a few fantasies? He'll never get the very best, anyway. Let him settle for the blond with no heart while the best girls ever are where he can't reach them'...

But I don't WANT to think of him that way... But I did tonight, and it makes me sick, cos it's not the first time with all this knowledge in my head. I can do better! This breaks my heart. It hurts like nothing I've felt before. I've broken up with several people in my past. The girl I lost out on who I had fallen for so hard...it hurt me for years to know I'd never have a real chance to tell her everything, to be close to her, no matter my home life. She said she loved me, and my calculations tell me she was saying the same to someone else at the same time. That hurt me for ages!!! This hurts more. My psycho ex who wanted me to move in with her and her husband... I was SO in love with her, and this hurts me more. Hell, when we broke up, I just wanted to get the fuck away from her. Seriously, I don't miss her at all. Wish I'd never met her. I feel nothing toward the one I fell for last year who screwed me over by lying to me. Okay, fine. Screw you back and go away. I feel nothing.

This feels like the bastard cut my heart out himself and walked off with it, letting it bleed the whole way. Like looking into his eyes and seeing nothing there but emptiness while he sliced into me and took something from me for himself, leaving me nothing. If I close my eyes, I can SEE the scene that would be...and I can feel the sting of tears I refuse to cry.

Over a man I never met, never will meet... I worked hard to get through the auditions for this asshole. Just to try and get to L.A. for that contract...to get to the stage with Queen. With HIM. But no... I'm glad I know this now, before I begin that fight again. Now, I'll fight for myself, for what I want... And if I ever end up there, then fuck him. Let him see what he might have had. Maybe I'd let him...just to piss HER off. For a laugh, even if it tears me up.

More fantasies. Would never happen, but one can dream of revenge. The thought is better than laying on the concrete in the rain, struggling to breathe while he walks off with my bleeding heart, never looking back. Can you see that? Black jacket, no umbrella... And no one else is there. The street's empty. All alone to pray for survival while he walks away, hand red with blood, trailing what's left of you, but he doesn't even care. DOESN'T CARE.

Men like that never care.

God, I need better meds. And a decent night's sleep with some heavy sleep meds. Maybe two pills tonight instead of one...? Really put myself out...

Maybe a crush isn't so bad...  o.o;;

Darkness (collected)

Okay... So things went well with Kev's parents here. Decently enough for what I was expecting. Everyone respected my wishes and it went better than I thought it would. Good, I didn't have to knock heads.

Now...here's the REAL issue.

I've done really well... For the most part, I've handled this whole former fangirl bullshit well enough to be pleased with myself. You know...enough to get by. Until Saturday morning when my mom greeted me with "Have you realised how bald Brian is?!"

Yup, I sure have. Don't give a shit, but I have.

And I HAD to see the video she meant, which was an old vid of an interview with Matt Pinfield for the Vh1 Rock Honors in 2005 (I think it was). I sat through about a minute of it, forced to look at his hair, and then shut it down as soon as I was able to. I didn't wanna see it in the first place! But I really didn't wanna be rude to Mom and simply say no, I wouldn't watch. I watched it for her. But it tore me up, just looking at the guy. I hate looking at him now. I don't need to be reminded of what I first fell for...that face. You could almost believe the 'innocence' in that smile, the smile that makes you believe in just how sweet he could be. People say he's sweet and kind to everyone he meets...

A little too much.

So this sat with me for HOURS...and I ended up half in tears. I refuse to cry over this asshole, over how I feel because I got blinded by emotion and never saw what was really there. Always thought I was better than that, and I'm not. What's worse, I asked Amber last night if I'm just as bad as that blond skank he's screwing because I wanted him so much, because of my age... Or am I better because I actually gave a damn about him, when we all know SHE has no heart and doesn't love him? She said I was better because I have a heart. I guess that's true, but... I'll always question myself.

Then there's Katy Perry. Who kissed a girl and liked it...then showed off her tits to Brian May to see what he'd do. And I'm sure he'd go for it...were it not that he's already got two women who'd skin his balls for it. Okay, fine. I think we all agreed that probably went nowhere. But think about the possibilities here. We all know Kerry Ellis had a hold of Rufus Taylor BEFORE she turned her sights on Brian. This boy's not of age YET...and she's 30. SLUT. But Brian still went for it. Says nothing for him or his taste in women, which we all know has been questionable for years. I don't need to explain that... He's married to Anita Dobson, for Christ's sake. But there's Kerry, screwing an underage boy, and now an almost 62-year-old rockstar. For his name and fame, his money and weight in the industry.

How sweet!!!

And he's going for it full steam cos his wife's a hobgoblin.

Lately, he's been gushing about her AGAIN... Which is sick as hell. Another album he just HAS to work on with her? Don't you think by now she can manage on her own without her sugar daddy helping out? She's made a few already, I think she can handle it! Or, she would...if they were actually working, instead of doing other shit on the side.

I'll be so glad when I get over this, when my heart doesn't hurt anymore and I can break from it completely. I know it's gonna take forever, since I refuse to give up my adoration of Queen, which will shove him in my face forever, but really. It's GOTTA happen sometime. I've gotta get on with my life. I have no other celebrity crush to think about...even if HYDE is hot as hell, and I really don't want one. I want nothing to make my heart hurt again. Doesn't matter if I'm married, I see all this as normal.

What isn't normal, except for me, is this want of a girlfriend...AGAIN. I do this in stages, and right now, I'm in that stage again. Wish I had one, know it's always a disaster, and know it'll always be something I'll regret. Most times, I end up saying "I wish I'd never met her"...but I still get that pull. Cos I'm always the protector on that end, always the more boyish one, wanting to hold hands, wanting to hold HER, and girls always kiss so much better than men do. The sex is better in some ways, too. SOME ways.

But I won't do it. I'll look, and I'll want, but I won't do anything about it. I've been this way for months! But I've done nothing. We'll see... It'll subside much sooner than my anger toward Brian, my hate for Kerry, and my massive dislike for myself for being so stupid. It's what I get for believing in people, that some people can be genuine, even in his position of fame. NEVER. Makes me wanna get there that much sooner and prove I can be what he's not. The funny part is this way he refers to Kerry as an old friend all the time. "We're old friends"...

So, Brian... Exactly how many times do you fuck a person before they arrive at the level of 'old friend'?

Just curious.

Clingy

Yup...I got what I wanted from my night out Friday...but with my mom. Kev couldn't go. It's a shame, with the places down here allowing the smoking like they do. With his asthma, he can't handle it--

I was about to feel really bad for the good time I had, the way felt with the mic in my hand and my throat killing me from the effort to be heard, the grind of the lower notes in the heavier songs... But he's sitting here arguing with me about his parents... These people, who are planning to show up for his birthday the beginning of next week and just take over. Well...FUCK THAT. These people have always treated me as less than everyone else because of God only knows what, and his mother had the nerve to threaten me before we left Ohio for Florida in January.

Both his older brother and the next one down (Kev's #3 of 9 kids) married rich lil Catholic girls...and Kev married a broke-ass, religion-less 'hillbilly'. Honestly...and I've never forgotten how they all hated me because I was just too young to get married and understand what I was doing. I was 'doing it to get out of my parents' house'...

I married him because I'd waited three fuckin' long years to do it! I was 15 when we met, graduated in June '97, got married a month later. And I did it all because I wanted to. Wasn't forced to, didn't do it cos I got 'knocked up', or because he'd save me from living with strict parents. I married for love.

After years of fighting for MY place in things, and proving I'm better than they all thought...I made my place. I did it, and for a few years, things were decent. I was treated rather well...with a few small incidents I could handle (mostly). Last year, his sister ripped me apart, called me 'fucking stupid' cos I didn't drive at the age of 29... Kev was in hospital and she offered to drive me to see him (well, to his family's house, then his older sister would take me)... She trapped me in the car on the 45 minute ride, and pulled apart everything there was of me. Told me I shouldn't have had my kids cos I couldn't afford to take care of them (living with my grandmother...you know, after my father--who took care of her--DIED)...and jumped me for not working. No... I have a daughter with a disease that requires my availability right now. BUT...Kev wasn't working, either. And hadn't for 3 years. Why....????

Cos he just didn't.

And she jumped ME???

Yeah... I don't get it, either.

But she's got bigger mental issues than me, and we all know she's got issues of jealousy cos her little sister's married now with one kid and another due...this month, I believe (already???? WOW), and she's still single. So... Yeah, headcase. I can relate, but it's no excuse. The worst of it wasn't her bullshit, it was how Kev never once said anything to her for her treatment of me. Which...to me, says it's okay. It's the same as him actually telling her it's perfectly fine to treat HIS WIFE like shit. Aaaand the same happened when his mother threatened me.

That just disappointed me. It has to be about the stupidest thing she's EVER done...aside from underestimating me. Kev was in hospital...AGAIN. This time, it was something serious. They found out he had liver damage, with other problems along with it, like his proteins being off...and his potassium still isn't right. No one knows why, but it just won't stay in his body, so he's on medication for it...probably permanently. He's rather healthy now, MUCH better than he was in January, but it's still not right, and scares me. But the thing was, he was in hospital while we packed to move, and only came home a week before the leave date. My parents had already arrived to help us! Anyway, I was pissed with his Drs the whole time because no one could diagnose him for DAYS, and every day, the guess of the day got worse. At one point, he was diagnosed with THREE life-threatening conditions all in one day...NONE of which he actually had. So, I questioned his Drs' abilities, I disliked them, I got pissed over how little they knew after millions of tests, and SHE acted the same way for SO long. And the day they made that lovely triple diagnosis, I laughed and got pissy over the phone, telling her there was no way in hell he had any of those things because he'd been improving every day. If he was getting better, and his Dr said he was, how could he practically be dying?!?!

She got pissed. And this led to her actually threatening me with "If you go to Florida, and something happens to my son, or my granddaughters--"...

She never got to finish. I cut her off and told her to give me the reason to hang up on her. "Give me a reason. Finish what you were saying and let me hang up." She didn't say anything. "I know what you were gonna say, so say it and give me the reason to hang up on you." She just mumbled a couple sounds and I hung up.

NOW... How in hell, after I'd fought AGAINST that family for Kev's sake for so many years, would I let anything happen to him?! WHY would I let something happen? And for her to make HER claims on him and MY children... OH NO! NO MA'AM!! You don't claim MY family, especially the man who chose ME over YOUR crazy lot, not the beautiful girls I gave birth to... They're mine. I made this little family. So...since I've always been there for him, at his side, fighting as his wife, why in hell would I suddenly throw him to the wolves and leave him to deal with his recovery alone??

She didn't call me for DAYS. She started calling our family friend, who kept in touch with her for Kev's sake, to talk with, until I bitched at our friend because SHE'S not the daughter-in-law. And she understood where I was coming from, because no one can understand why in fuck Kev's mom said what she did. To this day, we don't get it.

But he never told her off for it. Never defended me.

So...these people wanna show up, for his birthday, and just waltz in to think they can take over and I won't mind? I MIND, thank you. Especially since Serena just started a new insulin regimen tonight. TONIGHT. She went from vials of insulin and syringes to the pens, using the 24-hour Levimere now, and all new doses. It's all new to us, and we'll go back to her Dr in 2 weeks to check up on how we all think it's going. Until then, she goes NOWHERE without me or Kev. This means no staying overnight at the hotel like she did in March when they were here cos they brought Kev down. And NO TAMPA!

Bullshit... They talked about taking the kids to Tampa where Kev's brothers' (I hate his older brother) live with their lil families so the cousins can all play together...and Kev was gonna go, too. Think I wanna go? FUCK NO! Well, I just got done telling him no one was going because his parents weren't showing up to steal away my family and leave me behind for days (including his birthday), and he's pissed. AT ME. Cos I won't allow it. As I type this, he's out in the car, with the radio, intent on staying out there as long as he likes, even though it's now 2:30am, and I won't go to bed (or couch) without the chain on the door...and I can't chain the door with him out there. DUH! So I'm supposed to be made to wait for him to come waltzing back. I'm about to go get his ass and tell him to either come in, or be chained out and explain to the first patrol that comes by what he's doing out there. And if he kills the battery, we're fucked. My parents can't afford a new one for me. Lovely, isn't he???

I wanna be able to spend my husband's birthday WITH my husband...and I'm sitting here in tears because he's all pissed that I don't like his parents. Yeah, well... Now what? And he had the gall to say the word divorce...not only to just say it, but with our oldest listening. She's almost ten years old...she knows what it means!!

It's times like this I almost think I should just let it go. Let him try and get my without me...see how much it all sucks without me. Cos he's just as fuckin' clingy as I am...and he can't be without me. Never could be, can't now. Just like me about him. And he knows it, knows I know it, too. But...maybe it's time to think about letting him try a little time on his own. It just makes me second guess myself. All this time, and only about 3 weeks shy of our 12th anniversary, and I start feeling like maybe I'm not the choice he wanted to make. Not anymore. Maybe he really IS like his siblings...and he can't break from Mommy. No one else can, especially the girls. All 4 live close to home or AT home in one way or another. None of them can do anything on their own. So... Maybe Kev's been rethinking it?

Or maybe I'm just a big baby.

Rock It Out

Friday night is a planned night out for me with my husband, Kevin. Not sure how it'll work out because his foot is bothering him so bad right now, but at least he'll have new shoes before then. Still... We're headed for Rocky's for karaoke. Well...I'll be singing, cos trust me... You don't want Kev singing. Hehe. He's no singer. He just cheers me on. But I've wanted to go out for a night of karaoke for months...and wish like hell I could have with Amber while she was here (not that we won't make up for it, damnit). I need this, to really work my voice, to truly belt it out. Not with the car, not just while I'm driving alone (which is rare), not just the random Queen song with Mom (who's starting to obsess some... We can be proud). I can really let loose. That's why I chose that pic of Freddie. That's how I feel.

Other than that...things have been normal, and I've just been here. Except for shopping today! OMG, I almost went on a killing spree. Every numbnuts in Pensacola was in WalMart today while I was there...and they all ganged up on me in Health & Beauty. I couldn't get through an aisle to save my life! Every time I moved, someone got in my way...and stopped! And stayed there! They came in pairs, and stood there, staring at nothing, talking on cell phones to no one, just to make things difficult on me. This one woman stared at shampoo...stood IN FRONT OF ME...while I tried to find the shampoo for my girls. Stuff's in a new-shaped bottle, so I had to look kinda sideways and go "Oh, same stuff, same amount...okay!"... She steps right in front of me! And stays there! And the woman with her?? Watches me, and talks on her cell phone, doing a play-by-play for whoever's on the other end.

Fun shit!!!

Sounds like the highlight of my day were I sitting at home waiting for that phone to ring!

THEN... It happens down every aisle, and by the time I got my bath beads, the shampoo,a couple things for Mom, and headed for the night light and all I needed to grab, I was fried! So, instead, I went searching for Mom, desperate for anything that might keep me from killing someone. And she had a Vistral I took... Thank God!! I was in tears when I found her! It was just one of those days for me... I mean, even the employees were assholes today!!! UGH! I had my 'I Want My Mommy' moment, had my medicine, and calmed down. And no one died. I think by that point, I was perfectly capable of ending someone's life with a box of PopTarts. Seriously.

Watch it... Those things are dangerous in the hands of the wrong person.

Oh Lord... Maybe it's not a good idea to allow me out in public. And the best part is...we do it again tomorrow for Mom's appointment and shoe shopping for Kev...and then again Friday for Rini's appointment. This should be loads of fun. I dare that bitchy-ass nurse practitioner to fuck with me about my daughter's insulin this time. I DARE HER!!!

Have a nice night!!! HAHAHAHA!!!  ^_^